The Jeffrey Porch - Television

I have written for children's television in recent years, and a couple pieces are contained here as samples.  They are works for hire and cannot be used for any reason by anyone but the producers and officers of those shows.


My Bed Bugs

- New, Unidentified Program Draft
- New Program Draft

Television Concepts:

- FRONT ROW BOX
- THE MATTER WITH THEM

New, Unidentified Program Draft (back to top)

My Bed Bugs

BUGVILLE EXPRESS ©
Written by: Timothy Michael Jeffrey
FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Separately, the Bedbugs play in their room, moving around each other with short shuffling steps, imitating trains.
WOOZY
Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga...
GOOBY
(Using a make-believe train whistle)
Wooo-woooooo!
TOOFY
Clickety-clack, clack, Clickety- clack, clack...Clickety.
They dodge, just missing one another, getting frustrated with the others who don’t know how to do it “right.”
Woozy waves to imaginary people, Toofy crawls under a chair.
WOOZY
Hi everybody! Look at me, I’m driving a train.
TOOFY
Yeah, but I’m going through a tunnel! Uh-oh, it’s dark!
Gooby pretends to be going up in the air and nearly falling over backwards.
GOOBY
That’s nothing, look at me climb the hills....whoa-oooooa!
Toofy points at the zoo he imagines.
TOOFY
So?  I’m going by the zoo and I can see the giraffe.
Woozy waves.
WOOZY
Hi Grandma! Hi J. Edgar.
WIDE OF ROOM
J. Edgar has been there for some moments, apparently.
J. EDGAR
Hello Woozy.
WOOZY
I’m not “Woozy,” J. Edgar. I’m a big train and I’m going to grandma’s house.
J. EDGAR
I see. But my goodness, look at all the choo choo trains. There’s a lot of traffic today. I hope there won’t be an accident.
TOOFY
They better watch out for me because I’m going faster!
GOOBY
Not as fast as me, and I’m bigger.
They are all making their sounds again when J. Edgar REVS his own engine and they stop in their tracks.
J. EDGAR
You’re all train engines? But what about the rest of the train?

GOOBY
Ah ha!  You mean the coal car and the freight cars...?
J. EDGAR
Each member in the line of cars is just as important as the next.
INSERT SONG
The move around the room, singing in rhythm as they rhyme. When they are done:
J. EDGAR
You know, all trains must have tracks.  Why don’t you all pitch in and make a track that your train can run on?
WOOZY/TOOFY
Good Idea! / Let’s do it!
GOOBY
I’ll get the paper.
WOOZY
I’ll get crayons.
J. EDGAR
That’s better.
J. Edgar removes himself. All three rush to gather their materials...
OVERHEAD SHOT OF FLOOR - SERIES - INTERCUT
...and draw the tracks with crayons...
TOOFY
This is cool!
GOOBY
Now remember, all the tracks have to look the same, so that we can tape them together.
...on separate pieces of paper which now Gooby tapes...


New Program Draft (back to top)

INT. BANK
Over a SOUND of bullets, we watch as the police confront the robbers. Dino’s tail and butt still protrude.
POLICEMAN #1
Halt. Put that banana on the floor and step away. Now!
MASKED MAN
It’s not loaded.
BAD GUY
We were just making a deposit.
MASKED MAN
Yeah, that’s it.
POLICEMAN #2
Of what?
MASKED MAN
Why, uh...that monster. Yes.
POLICEMAN #2
Looks like he’s gaining a lot of interest already.
DINO
(muffled from within)
Everybody’s a comedian!
BAD GUY
In fact, we just got here in time to stop these bad guys from robbing the bank.
POLICEMAN #2
Then why are you wearing a mask?
MASKED MAN
Celebrity. Crowds.
BAD GUY
(motions him to shush)
Really annoying.
INT. VAULT
Dog lies on his back as if in therapy.
DOG
You ever see the movie “Dog Day Afternoon?”
DINO
I meant to.
DOG
Don’t bother. No dogs were in it.
DINO
Any dinosaurs?
DOG
No wildlife at all. They didn’t have animal unions yet.
(beat)
Did you brush your teeth this morning?
INT. BANK
The policemen are deciding what to do.
POLICEMAN #1
I’m having a hard time believing you two.
BAD GUY
He lies a lot.
MASKED MAN
Look at me. Do I have the kind of mask that lies?
BAD GUY
We wouldn’t rob a bank. It’s not in us.
POLICEMAN #1
I wasn’t born yesterday.
BAD GUY
(feigns interest)
When were you born? You’re a Virgo aren’t you? I was a middle child.
INT. STUDIO
Both broadcasters are back in normal dress.
HARLAN
Breaking news: the robbers have been apprehended. Everyone is safe.
CHUCK
Including our two scoop reporters, Dog and Dino, who join us now.
EXT. BANK
Both Dino and Dog ecstatically interview each other.
DOG
I had to act quick. You need a brave heart to stand up to correct a wrong to humanity and --
(feeling his side)
Hey. Where’s my wallet?
DINO
You’re a dog, you don’t have pockets.
DOG
(to himself)
Maybe I buried it. But where?
DINO
Tell the people what you did.
DOG
I played dead.
(oops)
What about you?
DINO
There I was, under pressure, brave to a fault, everyone counting on me and my thin frame as I was sweating off, 12 pounds just about, I bet...
A sudden static interruption takes us back to...

TV Concepts

FRONT ROW BOX (back to top)

        A RUNAWAY TEEN’S EXPERIENCES ON THE ROAD IN SEARCH OF HIS MYSTERIOUSLY ABSENT FATHER, WHO HIS MOTHER REFUSES TO DISCUSS.  HE REMEMBERS ONLY THEIR TRIP ON THE MINOR LEAGUE CIRCUIT WHEN HE WAS FIVE AND DAD’S STORIES.  BUT MOM HAS INTIMATED THERE WAS A DARK, “OTHER” STORY.

        HE MEETS REMARKABLE PEOPLE WHO MIGHT KNOW OR EVEN BE HIS FATHER - AND NEVER ARE - BUT ALWAYS HAVE A NEW HINT FOR HIM.  ROVING, AMUSING, SERIOUS, HE MEETS GIRLS BUT CAN’T STAY; HE TAKES JOBS AS HE DRIFTS THROUGH MODERN DAY AMERICA, REMEMBERING THINGS HIS FATHER TOLD ABOUT GROWING UP IN THE FIFTIES AND SIXTIES AND COMPARING THEM MENTALLY TO WHAT HE SEES NOW - SO THIS IS A KIND OF CULTURAL MEDITATION. HE FINDS HIS FATHER’S TOWN, HIS GRANDPARENTS, HIS ROOTS: THIS IS A TAKE ON THE POPULAR FAMILY TREE SEARCHES IN THE EXCEPTIONAL LIGHT OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A ROOTLESS AMERICAN...ALL OF IT BORNE OUT IN HIS LETTERS AT THE END TO HIS MOTHER BACK HOME, SUMMARIZING HIS SEARCH, HIS HEART, HIS MATURING, HIS FEARS, HIS AMERICA.


THE MATTER WITH THEM (back to top)

Series that will follow the dorm counselor Peter Baldwin as he tries to rehabilitate juvenile delinquents at a facility even as he struggles with his own demons. The following is from the original film script...

INT. DORM
Just as the group is entering, Frank PUNCHES Baldwin savagely.  Baldwin is catapulted, CRASHING through the plate glass window.  Both groups are stunned to silence.  Frank goes to his bed and lies down.  Just another day to him.
Drake BURSTS into the room. He points at them all.
DRAKE
You didn't restrain him?  You're afraid of this pimp?  You goddamn cowards!
Jimmy has followed Drake in.  He ROARS, crudely delighted.
FRANK
(rising)
Call me out my name, nigga?
Like lightning, Drake WHEELS on Frank and with one hand FLINGS him by the shirt across the room.
Frank BOUNCES off a wall and meets Drake's HARD BACKHAND, sending him over a chair.  Drake pounces, YANKS his arm up.
DRAKE
(wheezing, to Frank)
Don't take a chance and get this broken.
(to the others)
Restrain Jimmy, hurry up; the rest of you chickenshits sit down!  Goddamn it, NOW!
Carefree, Jimmy drops down on his back for them as if dead. All the rest comply and sit.  Drake is visibly shaken.  Appearances to the contrary, he doesn’t like to hurt kids.
Baldwin, bleeding from the mouth and one hand, comes back through the window.  Shocked silence.  The back of his torn shirt, as he climbs to his feet, shows dark blooms of red.
He stands over Frank, who looks defiantly up from the carpet, where blood droplets light on his shoulder, then his head. 
Baldwin goes to Jimmy, suddenly silent.  Baldwin is GRUNTING, maybe in shock. He WIPES his shaking bloody hand across Jimmy’s forehead as Jimmy tries to turn away.
JIMMY
Don’t let him do that you guys...!
Numb, they allow it. Woozy, Baldwin staggers out.
EXT. PARKING LOT
Peter fumbles for his keys.  He wanted to know what war was like, but the kids are too tough. He is defeated, a failure. 
He EASES into his car. Pulls out, HALTS, then RIPS out.
INT. STAFF LOUNGE
Wee hours: Drake is slouched in a chair, watching TV. TWO other STAFF idly debating.
GUY #1
You call Detroit a city?  Crack heaven?
GUY #2
Listen this guy!  Like Ann Arbor is even a place?  “Sissy town.”  L.L. Bean-land. 
DRAKE
Could one of you shoot the other so I can watch this in peace?
GUY #1
What’s the murder rate this year, homey? 
Peter APPEARS in the doorway, wearing a bandage over one black eye, an Ace bandage around his hand and the same shredded, bloody rag of a shirt.  All stop.
PETER
Hey.
DRAKE
Looking good.  How many stitches?
PETER
Twenty some.
DRAKE
Your boy’s locked up in I.C.U.
PETER
I'm pissed.  I know I messed up.
DRAKE
I shouldn't have left you there.  My bad.
PETER
I don't know if I can do this.
DRAKE
(no pity)
Why come back, then?
PETER
(hesitates)
I guess I wanted to see what happened.
DRAKE
Exactly.  Keep one rule in mind:  natural consequences.  They suffer for their behavior, they’ll grow a brain. Period.
PETER
(angry)
I’m getting another lesson from you?  I’m aware I fucked up, all right?
DRAKE
Aware.  That’s your damn problem.  You think being aware is doing something.
PETER
Don’t lecture me like some kid.
DRAKE
Little late to get balls.  Shut up and learn, or don’t. I don’t personally care.
Peter and Drake stare each other down.
PETER
I didn’t do anything right in there?
DRAKE
No, Mr. Rogers. It was nauseating. 
PETER
So I should have yelled at them?
DRAKE
Are you entirely ignorant?  You think they’d be impressed - yelling?  Every one of them is abused. Listen up...they got big time restitution. Correct?  So we’ll work them in the fields like dogs.
PETER
(beat)
Unique teaching style.
DRAKE
Like it?  I learned it in the Marines.  Who loves ya' boy?
Drake toasts him with a beer.
PETER
My grandmother.
DRAKE
Don't believe her.  She's got an agenda. What are you doing right this minute?
PETER
Been up all night, so sleep would -- 
DRAKE
Overrated. Don’t change your clothes yet. Listen up.  This'll be perfect, if you don’t jack it up again.
EXT. CLASSROOM - DAY
The slumping, tired Peace Group in Kitty's class. 
TAYLOR
Gimme that pencil, man.
CRICKET
For sooth, man, I'm in need of my bed.
TAYLOR
Thine staff be ho’ ass bitches.
KITTY
Did somebody check Taylor on his mouth?
FLY
Thou art cruel, shylock.
KITTY
(to Fly)
Would that thy breath were better spent, cuckold.
(to the rest)
Open your books, gentle people.  What happened last night that you’re so tired, anyway?  Come on, get in your seats!
Peter walks into the room, still in his blood-drenched shirt. The group slowly comes to a respectful, edgy silence.  Except Jimmy, who looks up, curiously distant and complacent again. 
PETER
You were told to be seated.  Do it, now.
They all do; Bradley taking his time. Kitty lets Peter rule.
PETER
(fierce)
I don't care how tired you are, you'll clean the dorm today. I've moved your beds into the mud room, since you can’t handle your own house.  Earn your way back inside. Want a war?  You got it.
TAYLOR
Against the law.  But what do he care?
PETER
You admire the law all of a sudden?
TAYLOR
Don't tell me nothin'!
PETER
You better have your thing together when your boy Frank gets out of his cell.  Your parents won't be allowed to visit now for a month or more.  And I have work projects for you.  Have a good day in school, kiddies.  It's as close to pleasure as you're going to get.
He turns, gone. Subdued grumbles as the rest sit to work.
EXT. FARM FIELDS
HOLLIS KITTLE’s tractor travels a row of corn stalks with Josiah in his lap. Sun-baked, icy eyes, gunslinger mustache.
Enwreathed in dust (Vietnam slides), he works his harrow.
Peter stops walking. STARES. Hanratty walks out his building.
HANRATTY
Program director wants to see you.
INT. CATTRELL’S OFFICE
Still ragged, Peter sits across from a dismissive BROTHER DAMON CATTRELL, a cleric.  He is heavy-set, florid, balding.
CATTRELL
So far, it’s his word against yours.
PETER
He’s saying I sexually molested him? And you would believe something like that?
CATTRELL
(writing a note)
I never said what I believe. I examined your file this morning, incidentally. You left your teaching job?
PETER
I was already questioned about that.
CATTRELL
Your former employer is bound by law not to discuss it. So would you clarify for me why you quit in the middle of a term?
PETER
Personal reasons.
Poker faced, Cattrell waits, intimidatingly patient.
CATTRELL
Then, your decision is not to explain.
PETER
It has no bearing on this, Brother.
CATTRELL
Falsifying an application has  considerable bearing, to me.
PETER
I made no secret about those dates. 
CATTRELL
You know we don’t allow kids to be hurt.
PETER
I see staff sit around doing nothing or verbally abusing the kids. You sure?
CATTRELL
You’re suspended for a day, Mr. Baldwin.
PETER
I’ll spend it right here, just the same.
CATTRELL
Not around the boys you won’t.
Peter gets up.  Cool, calm, he exits without another word.
EXT. PARKING LOT
As he passes his car, though, Peter KICKS it viciously.
FADE OUT.

FADE IN:
DARKNESS - A NIGHTMARE
The NOISE of the night before rising and falling in and out on a loop, the boys’ FACES passing in grotesque caricature.  They laugh at Peter’s ineffectual attempts to quell the riot, and now brandish guns.  They aim. Then: the CLOSE-UP CRASH of the window as he flies through...
INT. STAFF BEDROOM - DAY
...VOICES rise, an ECHOING crescendo. Peter BOLTS awake. He scrambles into the office clutching the blanket. A dorm riot going...WHIPS the door OPEN: No noise; no boys. Empty.
Kitty opens the back door of the office just then.  Peter wheels about in his underpants, bleary-eyed.  Covers himself.
KITTY
(stunned; amused)
Knock-knock. I came over to get the log.
PETER
I forgot to bring it over this morning.  It’s in the right lower desk drawer.
KITTY
I’ll forgive you this time, I guess. Get anything to eat?
PETER
I'm not hungry.  Besides I'm not officially on right now. For a couple... so, they aren't obliged to feed me.
KITTY
Such goodness.  Catholic?
He moves gingerly, revealing STITCHES in his back.
PETER
After a fashion.  You?
KITTY
No.  But I knew one.
PETER
That farmer across the street. Seven kids, they tell me?  Gotta be a Catholic.
KITTY
Hollis Kittle.  Absolutely.
PETER
Drake says he used to be a Green Beret.  We’re going to work the kids on his farm.
KITTY
Could work. They boarded up the dorm window already. Went right through, eh?
PETER
Am I your hero now?
KITTY
Under the present circumstances, I feel at least familiar.
PETER
(mortified)
Okeeey... Want to go out sometime?
Kitty laughs at this.
KITTY
Oh, I see, go for the pity advantage, while your stock is rising, so to speak?
He looks stagily inside his blanket.
PETER
It’s that obvious?
KITTY
(grabbing log book)
Well folks, on that note...
PETER
Can we?  I mean, how about it?
KITTY
You’re hallucinatory. Get some sleep.
Pleased at his discomfiture, she leaves, waving coquettishly.

(back to top)